Dear Future Husband #15 — I’m toxic to myself

My Love,

How are you doing? I hope you’re good. I’m fine as always, well not too fine this time. A little secret, all I want from Santa this Christmas is you 🙃.

I discovered a shocking revelation about myself. Everything I do, I do to avoid me. To avoid spending quality time with myself. For someone who glorifies and preaches self-love, I hate myself. It’s staggering to realise, as I’m sure you too, are finding it ironic. This wasn’t just a case of escape it was intentionally choosing to not honour me, like giving out parts of me would somehow conceal my personal inadequacies. The idea of me and myself alone in a room frightens me, scared dirt will be dug up, dirty linens will be spread out in the open. Afraid all of me would finally realize she loves none of me. Maybe if I showed up for people it would be a public validation of how much love I have, enough to silence the neglect of my own self.

For a couple of days, I’ve been glued to my screen all the while starving myself, it took sore eyes from too much screen time and lean bones from starvation and a broken heart from being solo to finally call my bullshit out. I checked my portfolio and realized I’ve been a good cheerleader to people, I’ve been a supportive friend, with a kind word for everyone but myself. I could empty my soul for people, stay empty and be satisfied. Now there’s nothing wrong with all that if I showed up for myself the way I showed up for people.

I’m toxic to myself. I realize I could become toxic to you and I hate for that to happen. I’ve been running far too long, and I’m taking a step back to become ‘the’ supportive friend to myself. To become my biggest cheerleader. To be the one that hands me a tissue to dry my tears and have a good talk with myself. To listen to myself, feel my feelings and not be a stranger to my own body. Darling I’ve cried this year, I’ve cried so much that it became my nightly ritual before I sleep, I can only feel sorry for my bed, heck, it had to endure all my sad stories.

You know what they say, check on your strong friend, sometimes you’re the strong friend you need to check up on. I’m not drowning, but I’m thankful I didn’t have to get to that phase. I’m also learning to give from my overflow and not from my half-filled cup.

My love, it would hurt me to know you’re not fine. I hope you are.

I love you today, when we meet, and forever.
Diseyi Philomena